How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like the Bad Guy
If you’ve ever said “yes” when you were silently screaming “no,” you’re not alone. For so many of us, especially the chronic people-pleasers and recovering perfectionists, setting boundaries feels like walking a tightrope between protecting our peace and disappointing everyone around us.
But here’s the truth I wish someone had told me sooner: setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who’s healing.
And if you're constantly bending yourself backwards to keep the peace, it's probably time to ask: what’s it costing you?
Let’s talk about how to set boundaries with confidence (and kindness), so you can feel good in your own skin, without feeling guilty.
Also read: 3 mindset shifts that will help you to build your dream life faster.
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First, let’s get one thing clear: boundaries aren’t mean
There’s this weird myth floating around that setting boundaries is cold, selfish, or aggressive. But in reality, boundaries are just a way of saying: “This is what I need to feel safe, happy, and healthy.”
Think of boundaries like an invisible self-care bubble. They help filter what you allow in—and what you leave out. They aren’t about controlling others, they’re about being clear on your own capacity.
So no, you’re not a bad person for wanting space. You’re a wise person for protecting your energy.
1. Start with your signals
Before you can set a boundary, you need to recognise where one is missing. A few subtle signs you might need to draw the line:
You feel resentful or drained after certain interactions
You agree to things and then immediately regret it
You find yourself ruminating on how to say no without “letting people down”
You’re stretched thin and feel like everyone wants something from you
Pay attention to your body’s cues. If your stomach drops or your shoulders tense up when someone asks something of you, that’s your nervous system nudging you towards a boundary.
2. Redefine what “nice” means
Let’s be honest: most of us were raised to be nice girls. We were praised for being helpful, polite, and flexible. But somewhere along the way, “nice” got tangled up with self-abandonment.
Being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat. You can be warm and assertive. You can love people and still say, “That doesn’t work for me.”
Healthy boundaries are the grown-up version of being nice, they include respect for yourself, not just everyone else.
3. Script it out (yes, really)
If boundary-setting sends you into full panic-mode, a little prep can go a long way. Try these gentle phrases:
“I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but I hope you understand.”
“I’m prioritising rest this weekend—can we catch up another time?”
“I need a bit of space, but it’s nothing personal.”
Having a go-to script makes you less likely to blurt out an automatic yes out of panic or guilt. Plus, it keeps things soft, clear and drama-free.
4. Practice in low-stakes situations
Start small. You don’t have to suddenly reinvent yourself as a boundary queen overnight.
Try:
Saying no to a social event you don’t want to go to
Asking your flatmate not to play loud music late at night
Letting an email sit for a day before replying
Telling your partner you need 20 minutes of quiet time after work
Each time you honour your boundary (even if your voice shakes a little), you build self-trust—and that’s powerful.
5. Let go of being understood
This one stings, but it’s important: not everyone will understand your boundaries—and that’s OK.
Your job isn’t to make sure everyone approves of your choices. Your job is to stay rooted in what’s true for you. Anyone who genuinely respects and cares for you will learn to adjust.
The people who get upset about your boundaries are often the ones who benefited from you not having any.
6. Remember your “why”
When the guilt creeps in, come back to your reason. You’re not setting boundaries to punish anyone. You’re setting them to protect your energy, your time, your mental health—your whole self.
Whether you’re building a career, healing from burnout, navigating a relationship, or just learning to trust yourself again, you’re allowed to make space for what matters.
You don’t need to be the “chill girl” who says yes to everything. You don’t need to explain yourself to be worthy of rest, space, or peace. And you definitely don’t need to burn yourself out to be seen as a good friend, employee, or partner.
Setting boundaries isn’t harsh—it’s sacred. It’s what turns a chaotic life into one that actually feels like yours.
Want to keep the boundary-setting energy going? Save this post as a little reminder: you’re allowed to take up space, protect your peace, and say no without a side of guilt.
